Thursday 10 March 2016

Imposter Syndrome

I haven't written anything in ages, because for a long time I've felt...together. Like my life has not been dramatic enough to be worth writing about. Not interesting enough to read about.

But...impostor syndrome. By god this is something I've felt all my life, the more I achieve, the more I move on, the more this becomes prevalent.

I always assumed I would be a jobless, homeless bum, dying in a ditch somewhere while people with real lives passed me by, disgusted by the tramp lying in the gutter, clearly too "lazy" to pull everything together and live a normal life like a normal human being.

Every achievement pushes on me further the feeling that I shouldn't be where I am. That at some point, everyone will realise that I'm a fake of a human being, that I've lucked my way into my position, with a decent job, good pay, a place of my own, a girlfriend who loves me. As though all of this will come crashing down around me when the world catches up with me and says "oy, who is this guy, why have we let him be where is he is?"

I'm facing a promotion (maybe), and a definite bonus and pay rise in June regardless because somehow, I have exceeded the expectations put upon me. This boggles my mind, well and truly. How am I a capable human being? Is everyone simply faking it, does anyone really feel the confidence they appear to  project?

When will it all come crashing down? When will I be pushed back into the gutter that despite all my achievements, all my hard work, I feel I truly deserve?

How long can I keep this up?